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Noah (2014) 
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 12:58 am
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I wrote this after seeing the film in theaters, nearly 3 years ago now. I also posted this review to's forum, where I edited it slightly. Hope it fits in here too:

Well, we went to see Noah this weekend. I wish we hadn’t. Now, I wasn’t one of the movie’s detractors; I expected it to be good. It wasn’t.
In the movie, Noah sees a vision of a flood. Realizing that the world is going to be destroyed, and wanting to know what to do, Noah and his family journey across the barren land to see Methuselah. All right, some expansion is understandable; Noah only takes up a few pages in Genesis. But, oh, how they expanded it!
Along the way they rescue a young girl from Cain’s descendants. That’s an understandable expansion, but just wait. Cain’s descendents chase Noah, his family, and the girl, into a forbidden zone. This is where the writer/director goes off the deep end. The forbidden zone’s boarder is marked by poles set on a foundation of skulls; sort of like the forbidden zone in “Planet of the Apes”. As soon as Noah and his family pass the skulls, they’re captured by “the watchers.” The watchers are angels who fell trying to help humanity after Adam and Eve were cast out of Eden. Oh, it gets worse. The watchers are encased by rocks; they look like stone-age transformers. One of them helps Noah find Methuselah, who gives Noah a spiked drink. Noah goes on a trip and completes his vision. Yeah, that’s what the director decided.
Anyway, Noah, his family, and the fallen-rock-angels build the ark, which looks like a big wooden box, and all the animals come. The animals attract Cain’s descendants. (Noah was building the ark in a secluded place; before then he lived alone with his family. He’s not a preacher of righteousness* in this movie.) Cain’ descendants want to kill all of Seth’s descendants, so they decide to attack the ark, but they need an army to defeat the angel-boulder-transformers. You know that cool scene in the trailer where Noah tells the King that he’s not alone? Well, Noah’s not referring to God in that scene; he’s talking about the fallen-rock-angels. (if you don't remember the trailer I've included a link to it at the end of the review.)
Cain’s descendants leave to build weapons, and Noah begins to look for wives for his sons. After seeing a vision of man’s inhumanity, Noah decides that the Creator wants to save animals, not people, so Noah stops the search. Que melodrama.
Ham leaves to find a wife. He does, but it starts to rain. Noah rescues Ham, but leaves the girl behind. Noah, his family, and the girl they rescued get on the ark. The leader of Cain’s descendants also is able to board, by chopping a hole in the ark’s side. Somehow, the flood’s torrential waves don’t rush in and sink the ark, and the only person to notice him is Ham. Ham doesn’t tell Noah. Why is never explicitly explained. Let’s just assume that Ham is mad at his dad.
The girl Noah and his family rescued was injured. The injury healed, but it made her barren. Just before the flood, however, Methuselah healed her. On the ark, she gets pregnant. Noah, however thinks that God wants men to die off, so he decides to kill the child if it’s a girl. Never mind that the film’s repeatedly emphasized that killing is wrong, and that it’s a major reason for the flood.
So the day comes and the girl has twins, two girls. Now all three sons can have a wife, but Noah wants to kill the kids. Ham, however has been helping Cain’s descendant. During the birth, Ham had Noah come to the ship’s lower level, where Cain’s descendant plans to kill Noah. Ham is supposed to help, but he can’t, so he kills Cain’s descendant instead.
They reach land, and Noah discovers that he can’t kill his grandchildren. Convinced that he failed God, Noah gets drunk. The girl they found convinces him that God left humanity in his hand to do whatever he wanted with, because Noah is loving and merciful. This satisfies Noah, so they all go to the top of a hill. God appears as a ball of light which shoots rainbow-colored concentric circles. The camera focuses on one of those, fades out, the credits roll, and we leave disappointed.
The problem with this film is that it treats the Bible like a standard fantasy story. No, strike that. The film versions of Lord of the Rings or the Wizard of Oz may have changed the story a bit, but at lease they got the feeling right. This movie didn’t. It’s additions did not enhance the story; they detracted from it. Besides, the additions de-emphasized God. A movie based on the Bible shouldn’t do that.

*Noah was called a "preacher of righteousness" in 2 Peter 2:25.

Sat Feb 11, 2017 2:05 pm
Burning Godzilla
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Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 1:44 pm
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Location: London, Ontario
I found this to be just a brutal slog to watch. There are hardly any likable characters in the film and the few that are have little to no impact on the story, Darren Aronofsky has just collected a group of talented actors in service of a terrible script. The story of Noah is supposed to be about hope and Aronofsky’s tacked on “happy ending” doesn’t cut it. I’m surprised he didn’t go further with the story of Ham as some theologians interpret the biblical verse, “Noah became drunken and he was uncovered within his tent" and Ham saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without" to mean that Ham castrated and sodomized Noah. That would certainly be in keeping with the rest of this movie.

End of Line

Read my reviews at Mana Pop.

Sat Feb 11, 2017 3:04 pm
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Burning Godzilla
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Joined: Sun Dec 16, 2001 2:48 am
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Movie Mike wrote:
I found this to be just a brutal slog to watch.

I cannot improve on this comment. I made it less than 15 minutes into this movie before I realized I was fighting to stay awake and changed to something else.

Guy in bar: "I got 50 dollars in my pocket saying you're coming home with me tonight."
Girl in bar: "They're lying to you."
(from Psychos In Love)

Sample piscatorial love at Cliffie's Notes! Now in blog form for the greater good of the Fish Conspiracy!

Sun Feb 26, 2017 7:13 pm
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